My “Dirty Little Secret”…Rebecca Carrara age 56
It all started at age 30, when my husband and I went to our first marriage counselor. Upon our first meeting, after only 15 minutes into the session, the counselor requested that my husband leave the room for a few minutes. The doctor proceeded to ask me if I had ever been sexually abused as a child. WHAT?! I was appalled! What did that "thing" (something I had pushed down deep for years) have anything to do with our marriage??!! "What about him? We are here because of him! His addictions, his spending all the money in the household, his betrayal, him him him?!"
I never thought for a second that the sexual abuse that I endured at the hands of my stepfather and grandfather, from age 5 to 17, had any effect on my CURRENT life! Oh, boy was I wrong! "IT" had EVERYTHING to do with the way I was suffering throughout my life and my lonely unworthy isolated feelings.
Shortly after that, I emotionally crashed and burned, ending up in Al-Anon and Coda (codependency anonymous). It literally saved my life! I loved the message however the hugs from women were uncomfortable and overwhelming. I thought they were a bunch of lesbians who wanted something from me. How could they love an evil person like myself, who kept disgusting secrets all her life.
By the way, did I tell you that I didn't trust or like women?? I had no women role models in my past, especially my mom. I am the oldest of six children. Because she thought I was self-sufficient, I received very little care or love from my mother... she was always taking care of babies. At 15, I remember her cooking in the kitchen like a robot... blank, empty, quiet, soulless...while she watched my head go through a bedroom wall to the other side. She continued setting the table like nothing even happened.
Looking back on it now, I believe she was a victim as well! My mother's own birth father and her husband were deviant child molesters exposing their sickness towards me, a happy little innocent girl.
I was indeed happy from ages 1 to 5, being a princess and Daddy's Little Girl! He worked as a painter and every day, he'd came home and swing me in the air! I could do no wrong, he adored and loved me so much! I have two younger brothers and was only 5 years old when he died of lung cancer and alcoholism at age 39. I am forever heartbroken💔
At the same time of his death, my grandfather would babysit and entice me with Milkshake candy bars so he could ejaculate on my naked 5 year old body. I can remember several separate occasions that took place in our old house in Hollywood California. I remember playing with my paper dolls, swinging and playing in the playhouse. I can still smell the fig tree musk that permeated the landscape and the feel of joyfully stepping on the squished figs. It was a great life until Grandpa came over. I inherently knew there was something wrong because my little brain thought he was peeing on me and I didn't understand.
The travesty here is that at the same time I lost my only love, my daddy, I was being sought after and groomed by these grotesque thinking sexual pedophiles. That was the start of many years of child molestation at the hands of many predators.
After my father died, my mom, who had never worked a job, was invited by her sister for a blind double date. His name was Jim Wellman, a slightly well-to-do construction contractor with a slick little yellow Mustang. It was love at first sight! Unfortunately, IT WAS WITH ME! I felt his eyes on me the first time I met him. They got married a few months later and popped out three more kids! Years later, I believe he was trying to keep her busy so he could get to me. He was perversely obsessed! Saying that his love for me was a different kind of love, just between him and I.
Sadly, because of all the children, he had me at his disposal. It was horrific...the head games he'd play, manipulation, scheming, lies, torture and sexual/emotional/ physical abuse... He even supplied and encouraged alcohol use at a very young age, so he could take advantage of me easier, without resistance.
That was the start of my own addiction problems. I had so much shame for keeping that dirty little secret that I spent my entire 20s working as a bartender, drinking / doing drugs to numb and escape the pain. I was 28 when I met an AA (alcoholics anonymous) guy from Palm Springs. He was the answer to my prayers! HE would definitely keep me sober and we would live in a fairy tale the rest of our lives!
Two months after we met, I was converted to the sober lifestyle and unintentionally pregnant with my first child. We got married, at 4 months pregnant, and what a whirlwind it was! It happened to be a year after I met him, that my daughter was born.
8 months later, all hell broke loose! I guess the pressure of having a new wife, new child, new bills, must have gotten to him. I checked my bank account and had no money. "Where did all the money go??" HE WENT BACK OUT THERE! DOING DRUGS!
Okay, this is HIS disease however I'm the one that went Looney Tunes! I became so co-dependent and depressed, that "I" was told to get help! I almost lost my mind over this! I couldn't fathom the thought of living a sober life, without him living a sober life, with me and our child. Because I had no money, Al-Anon was the only thing I could afford. The fact that it's donation-based saved me from complete personal destruction!
We decided to make a huge change and move from Southern California to Scottsdale Arizona to be close to my family members. He couldn't stay clean and our marriage failed. I will be responsible and say I was 50% of the problem. My codependency was at full speed and saturating to the point where we both couldn't stand each other. He moved back to California and I was on my own, living at my mother's house. I thought my life had ended! I was so lost and unhappy. I started back to Al-Anon right away, I had no where else to turn to.
You say, what about your mother?? I was 32 and she was 58 and we had poor communication. I tried to be as pleasant as possible, on the outside, however I was seething mad, on the inside, so much that I could barely be in the same room as her. I was devastated that she did not protect me and love me as a child, and I hadn't been through enough recovery yet to even know where to start the healing process!
Well, It did start!! I took action right away. I made an appointment with State Aid to take a 6 week woman's class on childhood sexual abuse, working with a book called "The Courage to Heal." The first several years, I surrounded myself with AA, Al-Anon, CODA (Co-dependents Anonymous), Adult Children of Alcoholics and Overeaters Anonymous.
That journey took me to Tony Robbins Mastery University and Leadership Academy (10 yrs), PSI (12) yrs, Compassion Inc (5 yrs), Jim Rohn, Landmark, Byron Katie and more.
Scores of books by every leader in the field enriched my search for forgiveness, compassion, knowledge, unconditional love and healing, a surge that continues even after all these years. I especially recommend the books:
1. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
2. Who would you be without your story by Byron Katie
3. Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping
4. Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg
5. It Wasn't Your Fault: Freeing Yourself from the Shame of Childhood Abuse with the Power of Self-Compassion by Beverly Engel
I earned a degree in Mind Body Transformational Psychology, specializing in Clinical Hypnotherapy and Life Coaching, at Southwest Institute of Healing Arts. I am also certified through Terros Mental Health, as a Peer Support Specialist. I have a website for my business called www.AwakenYourGoddessWithin.com that is for personal appointments and private healing sessions here in Scottsdale Arizona.
I am in the early stages of making my vision into reality; I have taken a leap of faith, left my job of eight years (April 1st, 2019) and invested all my savings and myself entirely into fulfilling what I believed to be my Destiny! It took 26 years of research and diligently searching (almost to the point of obsession) on my own, for healing and recovery.
To that end, I just purchased www.DirtyLittleSecret.com (Nov. 2018) to be a safe place to speak truth anonymously (a blog page...got that idea from fmylife.com), to acquire a plethora of information about recovery and help find programs for self-acceptance, support and wholeness!
Check out the website www.dirtylittlesecret.com... "bringing light to the darkness." I 100% desire a GLOBAL outreach program, LEADING awareness around physical / emotional / sexual child abuse, addiction and mental illness! I wish to be of service to those who need a light to shine along their path.
I'm currently in the process of obtaining my own 501 (3) c, and I have a great deal of ideas. What I hope that you can provide is your experience and knowledge, as with many successful entrepreneurs, there is a great deal I don't have experience with, and your guidance would be a great value to me! Any advice that you could provide would be appreciated! I'm looking for information about what professionals I will need with the non-profit 501 c 3 status structure, accounting, marketing ideas, how to raise capital, etc.
I ask for innovative ideas and business suggestions if you are experienced in these areas and that will accelerate my program and get help to those in need, SOONER.
I'm a SURVIVOR! A Recovered Codependent and addict, who found my real passion! I'm happy, joyous and free! REALLY!! Self-love, self-care and compassion is where it's at! Please take care of that beautiful body and learn to self-heal, not allowing yourself or anyone else to violate you any longer! "SHAME" is a silent killer! Research it, deal with it and then let it go! Exchange it for self-compassion, you can do it! You are enough and worth it.
So, what do you want in life?? What is YOUR passion? Contact me today so I can be a shining light on your path to freedom.
I am COMMITTED to "Healing Hearts!" I provide most services free of charge. I operate solely because of those who support and believe in me. Thank you in advance for any contribution you give ❤️
My email addresses are listed below. Please contact me if you endorse my passion and my dream come true! Thank you so much for your time!
Sincerely, Rebecca Carrara
www.AwakenYourGoddessWithin.com (Life coaching and women / goddess healing circles )
www.DirtyLittleSecret.com (Bringing light to the darkness) Nonprofit 501c3. Unlocking the door to healing shame caused by physical, emotional and sexual child abuse
www.STOPSECRETS.org (Freeing children from secret abuse) Non-profit 501c3. In the interest of school-age children 5 to 17 years old
WEBSITES ARE NEW AND UNDER CONSTRUCTION… have a great day! 😄
If you have any feedback or suggestions on any of my websites, please feel free to email or call 480-688-5304. THANKS AGAIN REBECCA
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